OnE NiGHT STaND

The lovely and talented MISS THYSTLE has finally regained consciousness and graced us with her guest blogging post. Please do not read it if you are easily offended, under a doctor's care for abuse of Ambien, My Current Employers, or related to me in a parental capacity. The reast of you--ENJOY!

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS- THYSTLE STYLE

Twas the night before Christmas
at Miss Thystle's house
and I sat drinking whiskey
with no pants and no blouse

I had just settled in, TiVo remote
on my lap
when out in the yard there arose such a clatter
I whipped open the door to see what
was the matter

The twelve blinking Baby Jesus'
cast such a twinkling glow
they gave the appearance of ground effects
to the riders so low

I had just racked my shot gun and stepped
behind a cactus
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
but a drunken old man, chugging a beer

His eyes were all blood shot
and his clothes were really smelly
and when he blew a snot rocket
it looked like mint jelly

He sat down on the curb and started
scratching his junk
My eyes started watering
thanks to his funk

"HEY MISTER!" I yelled
"What the heck are you doing?"
"Oh MY GOD WHAT'S THAT SMELL?"
"Don't tell me you're pooing!"

He turned very slowly
so as not to get the spins
the tossed the bottle over his shoulder
and right into the bin

The light from my scope laser illuminated
his stout little form
I thought for a moment "Is that Phil
or maybe it's Norm!"

But no! It was Santa!
Drunk in my yard
Swilling Mad Dog from a 40
and scratching his nards

of course it was Santa!
It was Christmas even night
but what was he doing in the Ghetto
Barely upright?

Santa! I shouted
It's me! Miss Thystle!
Did you bring me some new boobs?
Or maybe a pistol?

But Santa just shrugged
and layed down in the grass
and stayed there slightly snoring
because he was drunk off his ass

Hey Santa! I shook him
You've got to get up!
All the kids need their presents
you drunken old scut!

Miss Thystle, he slurred
I'm too drunk to drive
Could you fire up the Juice
and give me a ride?

Away to the living room I flew like a light
wrapped myself in an afghan
grabbed the keys
and a rum mixed with Sprite

I loaded him up
and strapped him up tight
fired up the Bronco
and drove into the night

He started tossing out presents
one here, two over there
while singing along to Lady Gaga
and sipping his beer

When all the gifts were delivered
Santa turned with a smile
then he threw up in
my lap, used my coat for a pillow
and curled up for a nap

I awoke the next morning
to sunlight so bright
I was sure I'd imagined
my wild Christmas night

But there on the counter
lined up like reindeer
where eight bottles of
Jamison and a full case of beer

I looked for a card and taped to the side
was a picture of Santa's ass and the words
Thanks for the ride!

So I leave you with this my sweet little kittens
I hope your Christmas stocking is stuffed
with a ball gag and mittens, a blind fold, a whip
Durecell batteries sized D
and furry handcuffs with heart shaped keys

A QueSTioN ABouT CHRiSTMaS....

IS IT OVER YET?

I kid, Chickens. I loves me some Christmas Season. Because today's guest blogger, the lovely & talented Thystle, is currently still standing in an endless line at Walmart trying to buy beer AWOL, I have resorted to recycling the Christmas Questionnaire from last year. Feel free to use on your own blogs!


WRAPPING PAPER OR GIFT BAGS?
Sometimes both. Sometimes a lucky recipient gets a present wrapped in Christmas paper shoved into a Birthday gift bag. We like to call it reducing our carbon footprint. Our friends like to call it cheap and lazy.

REAL TREE OR ARTIFICIAL? ANGEL OR STAR ON TOP?
We don't hate on the artificial, but us city folk do not have these things you people call attics or basements, so we have to go with the real. Up until last year, we topped our tree with a paper cutout of The Wiggles in their Big Red Car. It's quite possible the Jonas Brothers may be placed there before the holiday has passed. Because how can you dream about a White Chrismas without picturing Joe in those skinny jeans in Camp Rock? Not that...ermmm..I ever think about that, Chris Hanson...next question, please.

EGGNOG-YES OR NO?
Let's see: Artery clogging? Check. Full of Junky Calories, sure to make your thighs bigger? Check. Involves alcohol? Check. Tastes like cookie batter? Check. Guess that would be a yes. Do I also need to tell you people that The Pope is Catholic?

HARDEST PERSON TO BUY FOR?
This will be the fifth year in a row we get Dee-Dad a sweater vest. Need I say more?

DO YOU HAVE A NATIVITY SCENE?
I have several: an old fashioned one from my mother, a beautiful ceramic one from my MIL, a plastic Playschool one, a Playmobile one that half the pieces have gone missing from (Joseph is now a knight, Mary is a zoo keeper) , and a new Nativity that I just made for OUR NAME IS MUD (shameless plug ahead) called "Bobble to Bethlehem" which is a bobble head nativity that will be available for purchase in your local stores next year. Unless stores find it offensive and do not order it-which I guess is a possibility. This was the fate met by my Salt and Pepper Nativity set (Jesus is The Reason for the Seasoning), which like a Jessica Simpson movie, was never released.

Note: good news Chickens! the Bobblehead nativity is available online www.ournameismud.com

FAVORITE CHRISTMAS MOVIE?
The one in the dvd player, babysitting The Spawn.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?
World Peace, Economic Recovery, and Universal Compassion and Tolerance. But if that's too much; well, a girl really can never have too many Christmas sweaters.

GueST BLoGGER: RUTH iS iN Da GinGerBreaD HouSe

The fabulous Ruth (otherwise known as RPC, does not have a blog. So consider this foray into crafting a post akin to sneaking the first beer to an underage kid who will later grow up and become an alcoholic. I know THYSTLE was scheduled for today, but she may be hiding under a table somewhere, so hopefully she will take Wednesday. So without further ado, I give you RUTH.

Lorrie's instructions were: "incredibly moving" or "pee in your pants funny". I¹m going for the rent your garments and tear your hair... ­ how could anybody be so mean to their kids?

In our household Santa only ever brings small gifts to fill the kids' stockings. If there are any big presents, I want full credit as the donor. I'm sure that this has led to some humiliating times at school "What did Santa bring you?" - "A tangerine, a state quarter, and a bouncy ball" doesn't have quite the same same cachet as "A Nonetendo Playstation XOXO Whoa with triple digital feedback controllers". Still, nobody ever asked why Santa was such a tightwad when it came to our household, and the kids never asked him for expensive presents.

Despite this, Santa still doesn't always perform as requested. He frequently has to write letters of excuse. One year my daughter asked for a stop watch just before Christmas. Being too short of time to race out to the stores I ordered online. I was too cheap to pay for overnight shipping (over $20 on an $8 stopwatch!) so here is the letter left in the stocking:

Dear hmc,
I'm so sorry not to have the stop watch that you requested. I had it all ready for you but the reindeer took it when I wasn¹t looking, and used it to time their races. They dropped it in the snow and got it all messy, so I will have to find another one for you. I will send the reindeer back with it in a few days ­ it serves them right that they have to make an extra trip.
Love, Santa

A few days later the promised stop watch appeared with this note:

Dear hmc,
We¹re sorry that you had to wait for this. The Boss was VERY cross with us, and he made us come out to you specially even though we were tired after Christmas, but we had a LOT of fun with your stop watch.
Love, Santa's Reindeer

My daughter (now age 15) has never asked about the existence (or not) of Santa. I think she decided early on that if she didn't ask she could still hang up her stocking. My son asked from time to time, and got evasive answers from me. When he was about 8 or 9 he said to me "When I'm married and have kids, you will tell if it is really you who leaves the presents won't you? I'll need to know whether or not to get the presents for them". Last year for the first time I asked them if they still wanted to hang up stockings. "Of course we do!" they both exclaimed. I'm sure that the same will be true this year. After all, who can resist the chance of a tangerine and a bouncy ball!

DeaDLiNeS AMuSe Me

Happy Thursday Chickens!

The winner of the STOP GINGERBREAD CRUELTY PLATTER is........ (drumroll please) BJ!!! Congrats!

Here is the GUEST BLOG schedule for all you other elves--who will also get a little sumpin sumpin when you submit your wonderful blog entries-which did I mention should be no more than 5 paragraphs long and either incredibly moving (OMGawd I must rent my garments and tear my hair) or pee in your pants funny--but NO PRESSURE.

Monday December 14- The week will kick off with a post from the Bloggy Goddess that is Thystle.
Wednesday December 16 - We'll hear from the fabulous Ruth
Friday December 18- We'll read something that will make us have bad dreams all weekend from our man Kreg
Monday December 21 We'll see what Jen has to say about all this
Tuesday December 22 We''ll read a pithy entry from the never verbose BJ
Wednesday December 23 We'll read what Harbormom has to say
Thursday December 24 I'll wish you all a verrrrrry Merrrry.

(Blue & Kristin-I knew you did not want to write, but if the fancy strikes you feel free to jump right in)

Speaking of blog entries- the fantabulous Paul sent me this little entry in days of yore but it got lost on the mess that is my desk. I had promised to publish it, and he reminded me that i never did so. So here it is...a very big AWWWWWWWWW. Thanks Paul!!!

My grandfather was diabetic. In his later years, he had trouble eating. Though he was still exercising regularly, he had little appetite. I came across one of your products in a store. A big yellow "motivational cereal bowl." I'm not sure what you'd intended it for, but it was perfect for Grandpa. The slogans encouraged him to power through breakfast, and the sheer size of the bowl made his portion seem less intimidating. He ate from it pretty much every day, and got quite a bit of enjoyment out of it. And it helped my mother in her constant battle to keep his weight up. Just wanted to let you know of its success, and to thank you for the good it did us. Today, it sits on the counter in his memory, and I can't help but think of him every time I see it.

ELVeS WaNTeD

Haitus. Sabbatical. A Break. Whatever you want to call it, it has become obvious that manning the blog this month has gone the way of shaving my legs in the winter.

So here's the deal, Chickens.

For the month o December, I'll be featuring your fabulous, funny, tear jerking, controversial or irreverent stories about Your Holiday Traditions.

That is, if you'll send them to me via email at L V Mud (at) a o l. IF YOU DO- YOU GET A GIFT!!! Yes Chickens, I will send you a little sumpin sumpin if you send me a little sumpin sumpin. EVERYONE WHO WRITES A POST WINS!!

YOU CAN ALSO WIN A FABULOUS GINGERBREAD PLATTER BY SIGNING UP TO PARTICIPATE IN COMMENTS BELOW. Sign up by Thursday, December 11th at which point I will announce the winner and release a schedule of guest bloggers.

BTW: your own blog need not suffer on my behalf. Double posting is permitted. Ms. Claus in lingerie is not (sorry Kreg.)

So sign up below to help keep this blog chugging along in the month of December. Picture me, standing beside a red kettle, singing Silent Night if it helps.

Le BLoG

Some ex husbands go bald or get fat. Mine did neither. I know, because he has a blog.

I figure pimping his blog two decades after our divorce is the least I can do; seeing as he let me keep the china.

HaPPy TuRKeY DaY!

I know it is tomorrow, but most of today will be spent at The Spawn's school-where ComplicatedBoy is performing in the 3rd Grade play. His big line is: "Announcing-The Teams of the NFC" but yesterday he mistakenly said "Announcing-The Teams of the KFC" which is ironic, since Kentucky Fried is wayyyyy too healthy for us, but not as bad as it could have been if he had gotten even more creative with the letters F, C and K. Whew.

So Chickens, here are some great Thanksgiving Day quotes to read at your computer while you should be doing something more productive. I hope you and yours have a wonderful day. I am thankful for my family, my friends, my health, and obviously, GOOGLE would be at the top of the list today.



George Carlin
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

Erma Bombeck, No One Diets on Thanksgiving
What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?


Jon Stewart
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Johnny Carson
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.


Kevin James
Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants.

What are you thankful for?